Not Going Out Series Eight - My Take
by BAutifulDream
Summary: This is simply my take on how Series Eight of Not Going Out could be. Here's to hoping Lee and the team do return sometime in the near future. This show has so much more to give to stop forever. I'd love to see where Lee and Lucy go now that they are a couple and a married one at that! Just want to say a thank you to all involved in the show and for making me smile throughout.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Going Out Series Eight – My Take**

I will finish my other stories eventually, but I am currently working on my own work for publication.

However, saying that, the muse that is Not Going Out has inspired me to create a possible Series Eight. I have to admit, it is a means to control my sadness over the loss of this superb sit-com, now that it's come to an end. Or has it? I guess only time will tell. Though if persuasion is needed for a return in the not too distant future, I will happily get down on bended knees in front of Lee Mack and beg for all the world to hear. (Stop your minds right there, I didn't mean it like that! You filthy lot!)

All that I can say is that Lucy and Lee still have a lot more to give and seeing how their relationship has hurdled into new territories, new mishaps and mayhem await them.

So without further ado, here's how it'll work: There'll be eight chapters and each chapter will be classed as an episode, but will be written in story format not script. They will hopefully be posted on a Wednesday each week, but I'll let you know if situation changes. The stories will also be posted on my blog site: .

All that's left for me to say is that I hope you enjoy and that I do this show justice.

N.B This is purely for my own amusement and for those who are a fan of the show. No profit is being made.


	2. Ep One - Newlyweds

**Ep. One – Newlyweds**

The sun rises to begin another day full of prosperity and adventure. It's rays glisten through the curtains of those who are still asleep, slowly waking them from their slumber. The birds are singing their morning song while car horns blare out through the wakening streets of London. Men in suits rush to and fro with their freshly brought espressos, while the formally clad women add final touches to their make-up. Barely dressed parents rush around in a mad dash in order to get their children to school on time, while the children themselves find it amusing to break out in that last tantrum that leaves the parents thinking, "_Who's bloody idea was it to have kids again?"_ All is right and where they should be.

All accept one man.

'Jesus Christ!' Lee suddenly springs from his covers, drenched in icy cold water. 'What do you think you are doing you mad woman?' and he wipes the drips from his face and glares at the offender poised with an empty bucket in hand at the side of his bed.

'How many times, Lee? You are no longer my lodger, but my _husband_. Can you please stop sleeping in your old bed? With the amount of times you tried worming your way into mine when we _weren't_ together, I'd thought you'd jump at the chance now that you can.'

'Well there won't be a lot of jumping now, will there?' He peers down at his sodden pyjama bottoms. 'You've just dampened any chance of that happening.'

'We've been back from our honeymoon for a week now and in that time you've shared my bed twice. '

'Three times, actually.'

'That drunken night doesn't count.'

'Why not?'

'Because you didn't actually make it to my bed. As I remember rightly, you made a pass at me, passed me your boxers and then passed out onto the floor. All that were missing was for Tim and Daisy to arrive unexpectedly back from their holiday with a dancing doll in hand and for us to discover a camera hidden behind the wardrobe door.'

'Well, I've heard of couples spicing up their marriage, but I'm drawing the line at your brother.'

'Lee, be serious.' Her arms hang loosely at her sides, the bucket still retained in her grasp. 'What's wrong with sharing my bed? Don't you want me?'

'Of course I want you Lucy, always will, but right now, the only arousal I'm experiencing is the need to have a very warm and very long soak in the bath.'

'Fine, but don't be in there too long?'

'Why?'

'I don't want it to shrivel up altogether,' Lucy smirks towards his crotch before turning on her heels and walking out of the room.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Now warmed by the shower and fully dressed, Lee strolls out of the bathroom and towards the living area toweling his hair dry as he goes. A harsh chopping sound halts him mid-step and he peers towards the kitchen to see Lucy standing behind the counter viciously attacking a sausage into slices. Gulping, he abandons the towel to the back of the sofa before cautiously making his way over to his angry wife.

'What has that sausage ever done to you?'

'More than what yours has done to me.' She pauses and looks Lee in the eye. 'At least this sausage can satisfy my hunger.'

'Are you still mad at me for sleeping in my old bed? I've told you I'm sorry. I don't want to sleep separately, it's just lately you've been going to bed a lot earlier than me and by the time I do drag myself off to bed, I'm so tired I forget we're married and happen to wander into my old room. It's an innocent enough mistake to make.'

'An innocent mistake is thinking Daisy is capable enough to actually do my hair for our wedding. An innocent mistake is allowing Tim to book our honeymoon for us.'

'Oh come on. Nothing can beat the sound of waves crashing against the shore, the feeling of soft sandy beaches seeping between your toes and the romantic sunset walks along the seafront.'

'Yes, but in Blackpool?' she sighs and places the knife down on the chopping board.

'The accommodation was pretty nice.'

'Oh yes, the complimentary teas and coffees went so well with the dried bloodstain on the bedside table and a used condom found hidden under the mattress. I dread to think how long that had been there, but from it's colour I'd say I wasn't even born when that little fella was being tested out.'

'Our honeymoon wasn't that bad.'

'No, you're right. It was nice getting to know the couple next door, once we got over the embarrassment at hearing them play their version of drum and base from dusk till dawn.'

'Okay, I admit. Letting Tim take control of our honeymoon was a mistake, but I swear I'll make it up to you and we can go wherever you like.'

'Lee, that's not the point. Newlyweds are meant to be all over each other. Staying in bed most of the day and only coming out of the bedroom for food and toilet breaks. The woman upstairs gets more action than us and she's 71 with cataract in one eye!'

'I told you that walking stick of hers could be put to better use.'

'Lee, there must be more to it than being too tired to remember. Apart from the place and our accommodation, we were perfectly fine during our honeymoon. More than fine, but ever since we've been back it's like you've withdrawn to your old ways. What's wrong?'

Lee opens his mouth as if to speak, but instead throws his arms up in the air and states it doesn't matter before escaping into the other room, flopping down onto the sofa and switching the television on.

'So is this what you're going to do all day?' Lucy asks after following him into the room. 'Sit around on your arse watching trashy day time TV?'

'No. There's an article I want to read on the equality of women in a male predominant workplace.'

'And what publication is this in?'

'Nuts.'

'Great. Well I guess I should leave you to the in depth discussion on what position is best. Under or on top of the desk? I'm off out to meet Daisy. At least I'll get some conversation,' and with that, Lucy storms from the apartment, slamming the door as she goes.

'Just make sure it's not hairstyling tips,' Lee says to the empty room.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Can I get you a drink, Daisy?' asks Lucy as she reaches into her trouser pocket for some money.

'Just a soft one for me please. I'm driving over to your parents later.'

'What would you like?'

'Malibu.'

'Daisy, for the last time, Malibu is not a Caribbean fruit juice made from coconuts. It's an alcoholic beverage made to get you pissed.'

'Oh. I guess that would explain why my bedroom was spinning last night.'

Daisy may be one of Lucy's closest friends, but even she wonders if there's still a single working brain cell left inside Daisy's head. Sighing, Lucy grabs the attention of the barman and places their order. After taking a sip of her wine, Lucy turns her attention to the woman beside her.

'What are you driving over to Mum and Dad's for?'

'Wendy asked me to bring over some of my favourite baby photos for a baby shower she is hosting.'

'Ah yes. She asked me but I have work that day. So, lets see them.'

'Right,' Daisy says as she picks up her handbag and riffles through the contents and pulls out a white envelope. 'Here you go.'

Lucy peels back the seal and lifts out five photos.

'Erm.' A frown develops on her forehead. 'I don't think you quite understood my Mother.'

'What do you mean? I did as she asked, look. These are my five favourite baby photos. That's my younger brother as a baby. This is my cousin when she was eight months old. Oh look, here's my very first pet, Harry. He was so cute as a puppy.'

'They're all very nice Daisy, but when my Mother asked you bring over some of your favourite baby photos, I'm pretty sure she meant ones of you.'

'Well that's a bit silly isn't it? How was I able to take a photo of myself? I was only a baby Lucy. Wendy should have thought this through.'

'Daisy, I don't think…never mind,' she sighs and takes several mouthfuls of her wine.

'Have you found out why Lee is sleeping in his old room?' Daisy asks.

'Not really, no, though he claims it's because he goes to bed too tired and forgets we are married so acts like we did before we got together. I don't really believe him though. There has got to be more to it. No one can really be so tired they forget something as important as being married to your flat mate.'

'That's not fair on him, Lucy. I've experienced something similar myself.'

'Really?'

'Yes. I was so tired one night that come next morning I found myself not to be sleeping in my own bed.'

'Where were you?'

'I was in my neighbour's bed.'

'You what? How the hell did that happen?'

'I don't know but they were asking the same question, though Mr. Brown looked more pleased with the situation than his wife. He kept on clutching his hands together while gazing towards the ceiling and whispering, "_Thank you God_" over and over again.'

'Isn't Mr. Brown an 82 year-old-man?'

'I know! You'd think he'd know better than to be down on his knees at his age.'

Lucy could only roll her eyes and down the remaining dregs of her drink before swiftly ordering another.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

It had been only and hour since Lucy stormed out of the flat, but to Lee if felt like days. His mind has not stopped once. He knew the problem but how was he to explain it to Lucy. She'd think he was snooping. No, he didn't want her to think she couldn't trust him. Then again, anything would be better than this strange awkwardness that existed between them.

Just then he hears the key in the lock and slowly the door drifts open to reveal Lucy. She closes the door behind her and gently places her bag onto the table before settling down beside Lee on the sofa.

'You're back early.'

'I had this urge to leave Daisy to her drink when Mr. Brown entered the bar.'

'Who's Mr. Brown?'

'Never mind.' She twists in her seat to face him. 'How was the article?'

'A bit languorous.'

'A bit like the reader then.'

'I said I was sorry, Lucy. What can I do to make it up to you?'

'You can start by telling me truth.'

'I did…'

'No you didn't, Lee. I know when you're lying to me. It can't be just down to tiredness, not the amount of times it has happened. Is it something I've done? Have I repulsed you in some way? I wish you could talk to me.'

'I…I…' he lets go of the breath of air he'd been holding and casts his eyes to the bit of thread he had absently started to play with from the back of the sofa. 'I overheard your conversation with Daisy the day we got back from our honeymoon. I didn't mean to. I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard your voice, or more to the point, what you were saying.'

'I don't understand. I can't remember saying anything to Daisy that could cause you to behave like you have been this past week.'

'You were saying things like "_It could have been harder_", "_I've had better"_ and "_the appearance left a lot to be desired. I wasn't really looking forward to getting stuck in, but felt bad saying I didn't want it."_ Those things can really hurt a guy.'

The frown on Lucy's face only deepened the more Lee talked and now she is staring at him like he's grown a third eye.

'It's no different to what I've said before.'

His eyebrows shoot skywards. 'You've said these things before? To who?'

'Erm, my Mum and Dad. To Tim. It's nothing to be ashamed about. With a bit of practice you'll get the hang of it. Maybe we could go to some classes together.'

'You what?' Lee propels himself away from the sofa and stares down at Lucy in shock. 'There's no way I'm taking lessons! And I can't believe you told your parents and Tim. And now Daisy! What will they think of me?'

'I think you're blowing this out of all proportions.'

'Haven't you heard of privacy? Some things are not meant to be shared. I know I haven't got the body of a Greek Adonis, but even I thought you'd have a little decency when it comes to the matter of our bedroom activities. Is it no wonder I shied away from you if you are willing to share what's on your mind so freely?'

'What are you going on about?'

'Don't try to deny it, I heard you degrading my body.'

'Lee, I don't…' then something clicks and her eyes widen. 'Oh my God, you think I was talking about…that I think you're…' She can't control herself and a slight chuckle escapes.

'Well? Weren't you?'

'Of course I wasn't you idiot.'

Confused, Lee slowly lowers himself back onto the sofa, thoughts whirling around his brain. 'So what did you mean by, "_It could have been harder_" and all that other stuff?'

'I was talking about the time you attempted to cook me a meal. The pork belly and the crackling were a bit on the soft side. The vegetables weren't that great either, but I felt bad not eating it considering the thought and effort you went into creating it. That's what I meant about a bit of practice.'

'So you weren't talking about…?' he glances southwards.

'God no!'

'So you don't think…?'

'Definitely not.'

'So can we…?'

'Hell yes.'

With the spark of arousal ignited, they lean in towards each other, but Lee pauses inches away from her begging lips.

'Just one thing,' he croaks out.

'Yes,' she whispers, eyes locked onto his lips.

'Next time you want to re-enact Mr. Darcy's wet, white shirt scene, could you use warm water.'

'Just shut up and kiss me.'

Not needing to be told twice, Lee closes the gap and kisses his wife with a passion that can only be born from the deepest love that's been tested over time.

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	3. Ep Two - Puppy

**Sorry this one is a bit later, but it was harder to write and it may not be my best work, but hope you guys still enjoy it. Now I can appreciate why it take Lee and team so long to write.**

**Ep. Two - Puppy**

'I want to get a puppy,' Lucy states suddenly while lying in bed, her book abandoned on her lap.

Lee's "book" lowers too as he gazes at her. 'What?'

'I think we should get a puppy.'

'Why on Earth would you want to do that?'

'I visited my friend, Amy, the other day and her and her husband recently adopted a puppy. It's gorgeous. He's brown and white with freckly spots on his snout. And his eyes are a vibrant blue…'

'So, it's a cute dog, but I bet you'd soon get sick and tired of it's constant random puddles of wee, an excessive amount of scratching behind the ears and it's disrespect for personal hygiene.'

'Well it can't be that hard, I put up with you don't I? And no matter how many times I tell you, I still catch you scratching in bed.'

'It gets sweaty down there. They're not going to readjust themselves.' Lucy can only gaze at him in disgust. 'And anyway, this flat isn't big enough to have a dog.'

'It'll only be a puppy Lee.'

'Yes, but puppies grow and they start eating all your food and destroy stuff that's not theirs.'

'So do you.'

'Having a puppy is a big responsibility Lucy. I can barely look after myself, how do you think I'll be able to take care of a puppy?'

'All you need to do is feed it three of four times a day, go for a walk at least once in the morning and once in the evening, and make sure it goes to toilet in the right place.'

'You see. There's a lot involved in looking after a puppy.'

'I was talking about you.' Lee glares at her. 'Well, we don't have to make any decisions now. We could give it a trial run.'

'What do you mean, "a trial run"?'

'We can look after my friend's puppy for her this weekend.'

'No chance. There's no way I'm having a peeing machine running about this flat like…you've already said yes, haven't you?'

Lucy beams as Lee sighs, knowing he wouldn't have won the argument anyway. It has always been like this between them two. Whatever Lucy wanted she always managed to get. It's the price Lee had to pay for the woman he loves. His dignity had long since deserted him. In fact, it disappeared the day Lucy walked into his life.

'Come on Lee, she really needed the help. How could I say no?'

'Quite easily. It's an "N" followed by an "O".'

'You'll enjoy it. And who knows, it maybe a successful experience all round.'

'How's that?'

'I could have you both potty trained by the end.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Still in his stripy pyjama bottoms and grey t-shirt, Lee saunters from the kitchen, bowl of cereal in hand, and makes his way over to the sofa. Once settled, he reaches over for the remote control only to find a sticky note attached to it. Scrawled in Lucy's handwriting, it reads: "Gone to pick up the puppy, be back soon. P.S. the milk has gone off."

Just as he reads the last, Lee takes a mouthful of his breakfast and immediately regrets it. Amongst the nutty and fruity flavour there's an undertone of a sour chewy texture.

'Just Right? Now it's just wrong,' and he spits the stuff back into the bowl before placing it onto the table. He peers at the note abandoned to one side. 'Stupid idea all this puppy business. What would we want with a puppy anyway?' and he relaxes into the back of the sofa and switches the television on.

'_Could you give this puppy a loving home? Call the number on the bottom of your screen…'_

Lee quickly switches it off. 'Too much TV is bad for you anyway. How about a bit of music instead?' and he leans over to turn on the radio.

'_And they called it, puppy love…_'

'Nope,' and that too is swiftly turned off. 'Reading. Lucy is always going on at me about being more aware of what's going on in the world. Lets see what's in the news.' On opening it up, the first words he clasps eyes on are: "Dog Saves Owner from House Fire." 'This is bloody ridiculous.' He throws the newspaper down. 'Is the world conspiring against me?'

'Hi Lee, I'm back,' Lucy says as she walks through the door with a small bundle of fur in her arms.

'Is Lucy going to strip down to nothing but suspender belt and stockings?' He stares at her longingly, but all she does is strokes the puppy's head and speaks to it as one would do to a baby. 'Yep. The world's conspiring against me.'

'This is Alfie,' Lucy eventually introduces the brown and white Spaniel.

'Hello Alfie, I'm Lee. Welcome to our home. Which item do you want to destroy first?'

'He's not like that. Amy says he's very well behaved.'

'She would say that, she wanted you to look after him.'

'Come on Lee, just give him a chance.'

'To what? Sink his teeth into me?'

'What have you got against dogs anyway?'

'Nothing. I just prefer them running around a racetrack chasing a stuffed rabbit rather than running around my flat chasing me. Me and dogs do not mix.'

'Well here's your opportunity to change that. I need to pop out and get some things. You can stay here and look after Alfie.'

'You can't leave me alone with him.'

'Don't worry.' She shoves Alfie into Lee's arms before disappearing into the corridor and then returning with a few items. 'Here are a few toys and his cage with his bed. Now I'll only be gone a couple of hours at most, so if he does misbehave you can shut him away in the cage for a bit.'

'You hear that Alfie. If you are naughty you'll be put behind bars.'

'I was talking to the dog,' Lucy smiles and then walks out the door.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Big blue eyes stare innocently up at the towering man above. The tail thumps the floor with every word that's uttered. He watches as the man points around the room, his face getting redder and redder as his voice raises an octave higher. To him, he doesn't understand what all the fuss is about. All he was doing was having fun.

'Fifteen minutes, Alfie! Lucy has only been gone fifteen minutes and in that time you have managed to break Lucy's porcelain vase, bury your ball in a that Yucca plant pot and recreate a scene from the Andrex advert. It's taken me years to develop the art of mess making. You've managed it in a matter of minutes.'

There's a knock on the door.

Picking up the puppy, Lee saunters over to answer and finds his best mate on the other side.

'Cheating on Lucy already I see. What have I told you about staying in touch with your ex's,' Tim states with a smile and makes his way inside. Lee simply rolls his eyes and shuffles on his feet trying to contain the squirming creature in his arms.

'This is Alfie. Me and Lucy are looking after him for the weekend.'

Looking around the place, Tim notices the broken vase; strewn toilet paper trail from the bathroom into the living area and the muddy nose of the puppy.

'And what a good job you're doing. Was this all him, or has Lucy been teaching you how to use the toilet properly?'

'It's Alfie. He has this dream to be the next Andrex puppy.'

'So where's Lucy?'

'Gone to get a few toys.'

'What you and my sister get up to in the privacy of your own home is none of my business.'

'For the puppy.' Lee closes the door and goes to take a seat on the sofa with Alfie balancing on his lap. 'She thinks it'll keep him occupied. It's not like he hasn't got enough toys already.' He nods over to the box in the corner. 'But apparently they're not good enough for him.'

'Maybe he wants a walk.'

'How can you tell?'

'He's got that look like he wants to escape. Can't blame him though. Five minutes with you can do that to anyone.'

'What if he runs away?'

'If only some genius invented a lead type thing to keep him under control.'

'What I mean is, I don't know if he has one.'

'Why don't you check his stuff, there's bound to one amongst all that lot.'

'Fine, here you go,' and Lee lifts the puppy from his lap and places him onto his mate's.

'What am I supposed to do with him?'

'I don't know. Teach him how he can manage his bones and consolidate his monthly sum and turn them into a skeleton. At least if he falls asleep we won't need to take him out.'

'Do you know the first thing about looking after a puppy?'

'Well he's not dead is he? I always think that's a good sign that I'm doing something right.'

'That's what you said about my goldfish.'

'How was I to know that goldfishes don't do backstrokes?'

'All you had to do was feed it.'

'I did. I fed it to the cat.'

'I don't know what Lucy was thinking leaving you in charge.'

'I'm not completely hopeless you know.' He gazes at the box with furrowed eyebrows. 'How do you open this box?'

'You squeeze the blue handles at the sides and it pops open.'

And with a click it opens. 'Right.'

'Erm, you may not need to find it anymore.'

'Why?' Lee asks as he gazes over his shoulder to see Tim holding Alfie at arms length.

'My groin is now warmer than it was.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Come on, do your watsits,' Lee says to the little puppy whose big blue eyes are currently staring up at him.

After finding the lead and leaving a note for Lucy explaining where they had gone, Time and Lee, along with Alfie, left the building and headed to the park five minutes away.

'What is he? A dog or a bag of crisps?' Tim retorts while awkwardly smiling at a passer-by with their poodle.

'Come on Alfie, do your business. What are you looking at me for? I'm not the one who's been craping in the house.'

'That's not what Lucy said.'

Lee takes his eyes off of the puppy to glare at the man beside him, unconsciously slackening his clasp on the lead.

'For the last time, it was chocolate.'

'Either way, you weren't allowed back on the sofa until you cleaned it up.'

Alfie spots another puppy across the green and with a little yap decides to investigate a potential new playmate. However, Lee and Tim are so engrossed in their conversation, this all goes unawares, until Lee decides it's time to head back.

'Where's the dog?' Lee asks while twisting this way and that.

'I thought you had hold of him.'

'I did. He must have escaped.'

'Well done Sherlock. What now? You're going to follow his footprints in the ground?'

'Good idea.'

'I was being sarcastic,' Tim sighs, placing his hands on his hips.

'Lucy's going to kill me.'

'You weren't planning on having children were you?'

'Come on. We've got to find him quick.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Here doggy, doggy, doggy,' Lee calls out as he's rummaging around on his hands and knees in the bushes. 'I've got a lovely little treat for you. I'll let you wee and poo anywhere in the flat, just come back before I find myself wearing my balls for earrings. Come here Alfie, I'll give you a nice, juicy sausage.'

Lee pokes his head up out of the bushes and gazes straight into the eyes of a startled couple in the middle of an amorous embrace on the bench.

'This isn't what it looks like.'

'There you are,' Lee hears Tim saying from behind. 'Have you tamed that beast yet?'

The couples' faces turn from shock to repulsion in a matter of seconds and quickly scarper from their position and head in the opposite direction.

After dusting himself off, Lee turns to Tim. 'Well this is useless. We'll never find him at this rate.'

'What were you doing in the bushes?'

'Playing peeping Tom. What do you think?' He wipes his hands on his jeans. 'I know I've wanted to experience new things, but that's the closest I ever want to get to dogging. Come on, let's go this way.'

**JUMPS TO NEXT SCENE **

The sun is warming up the atmosphere and people are soaking up the moment and that's exactly where you'll find Lucy as she decides to embrace the glorious weather by taking a detour through the park. However, her pleasure is soon spoilt as she catches sight of a familiar man scuffling around on his hands and knees.

'Tim!'

Pausing in the process of checking under a bench, Tim turns his head upwards to face his bewildered sister.

'What are you doing?'

'Would you believe me if I said I'm searching for treasure?'

'Yes.' She raises her eyebrows. 'But that's not what you're looking for, is it?'

'No. Lee and I decided to take Alfie for a walk.'

'Please don't tell me you've lost him.'

'Lee or the dog?'

'The dog you idiot!' Tim slowly stands up. 'What am I going to tell Amy?'

'It's okay, Lucy, I'm sure Lee will find him.'

But the next minute they hear a resounding slap and they turn around to see Lee shuffling backwards towards them trying to defend himself against an old lady with a walking stick.

'I'm sorry; I thought it was a puppy! How was I to know it was your hat?' The woman brandishes said hat to Lee before storming off in the other direction. 'Stupid old bat,' he mutters and turns around only to jump back at coming face to face with his angered wife. 'Lucy! What are you doing here?'

'I could ask you the same thing, but Tim has already filled me in. So, have you found him?'

'Does it look like it?'

'You better find him Lee, otherwise it'll be you sleeping in the dog bed tonight,' and with that, Lucy pushes past them then out of the park.

'Well done genius, why did you have to go and tell her?' Lee glares at Tim.

'It's not my fault. You're the one who let go of the lead.'

'It was your idea to take the dog for a walk in the first place.'

'Excuse me gentlemen?' a stranger says.

They simultaneously turn to face the newcomer and practically shout 'What?' at the poor woman.

She almost leaps away from them. 'Is this dog yours by any chance?' and held comfortably in her arms is a panting Alfie.

Tim reaches out to take hold of the worn out puppy. 'Thank you Madame.'

'I get to keep my bollocks,' Lee sighs with relief, while the woman frowns at him. 'Come on Tim, time to get him home.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Today didn't go as well as I had hoped,' Lucy says as both her and Lee sit side by side on the sofa, each with a cup of hot chocolate.

'It could have been worse.'

'How?'

'That Chinese takeaway wanted to take him off our hands. I guess number 28 is off the menu.'

'Alfie wasn't all that bad. He can be a darling really,' she says as she gazes down at the sleeping puppy at her feet.

'Yeah. When he's not creating miniature lakes and doing a Houdini disappearing act on me, he farts in his sleep.'

'He's not the only one.' She looks at him pointedly. 'Maybe getting a dog isn't a good idea. Trying to housetrain one animal is bad enough.'

'Oh I don't know, I guess they have their uses.'

'How?'

'You can blame someone else for that puddle in the bathroom.'

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	4. Ep Three - Jobs

_**Thank you all for your positive reviews, it's giving me the encouragement I need. Glad I'm heading in the right direction and you lot are enjoying it. I know there can be a couple more scenes that could be added to make it feel more like a 30min ep. and I'm trying, but I'd rather it be shorter and keeping with the ambiance of the show than add a scene that takes it away. Hopefully I'm still keeping their characteristics etc. in this next chapter. Oh, and if you have any suggestions for possible episode plots, I'd love to have your input.**___

**Ep. Three – Jobs**

After a long day at work, Lucy is glad to finally arrive back at her flat, eager to unwind in a relaxing warm bath soaking up the Tuscany fragrant fig oil while being surrounded by mellow glowing candles and indulging in a fruity Merlot. With that thought pleasurably swirling around her mind, she unlocks the door and comes face to face with a wall of boxes.

'So much for my relaxing evening.' She closes the door behind her and sidesteps the obstacles only to be hit in the forehead by a flying paper aeroplane. 'Lee?' She frowns as she spots several other paper aeroplanes strewn across the floor. 'What's going on?'

There, sitting on the sofa in his green boxer shorts and pale blue T-shirt, beer in one hand and a poised plane in the other, is Lee.

_So much for marriage changing him_ crosses Lucy's mind.

'Richard Branson has hired me to design eco friendly planes.'

'And how's that going?'

'Not great, but these leaflets on how to save the forests fly really well,' and he demonstrates by letting one glide through the air in the direction of his wife, narrowly missing her head.

'What's with all the boxes?'

'I got sacked.'

'How can you get sacked at being a leaflet distributor?' Lucy drops her bag and keys onto the side table and walks over to sit beside her husband.

'Apparently using them as a substitute for toilet paper doesn't constitute as "saving the forest". The home owners thought the same when I attempted to show them the benefits.'

'Oh Lee, this is the third job you've had in the past two weeks!'

'I like to try my hand at new things.'

'That's a good idea. Why don't you try washing…Nope, that's where the sentence ends.'

'I don't find it as easy as you do, Lucy'

'Don't worry, it's simple. You get a flannel, some soap…'

'I meant finding a job. I didn't get the all girl posh school education like you did.'

'No, but you visited a few.'

'I wanted to prove that my theory was right.'

'And did you?'

'Yes. They were all lesbians.'

'Or they just didn't fancy you,' Lucy smiles. 'Anyway, back to the matter at hand.' Lee gazes towards his crotch. 'Not that,' Lucy scrunches up her nose. 'What other jobs have you had?'

'I once worked for the Samaritans.'

'How did that go?'

'I got sacked after one day.'

'Why?'

'They weren't impressed with my opening line.'

'Which was?'

'Have you got life insurance?'

'Lee!'

'What? I couldn't help it! My previous job was an insurance salesman.'

'Lee, you need to find a more permanent position.'

'How about missionary? Doggy style?'

Blanking Lee's childish attitude, Lucy continues. 'You gave up being an ice-cream man when we had that power cut and all your stock melted.'

'At least it wasn't wasted.'

'Not for you.'

'Come on, it was the first time I was able to multitask.'

'Yes, but when you said you were going to have a bath and ice-cream I didn't expect you to have a bath in the ice-cream.'

'You did want me to get rid of the stuff.'

'Yes, but I also expected you to find another job.'

'I did.'

'It took you two months to do so and since then you've been in and out of work more times than a prostitute in a brothel. You need more of a permanent fixture and soon. I can't be the sole breadwinner for the rest of our lives, Lee.'

'I could get a job with Hovis?'

'I'm serious Lee.' Lucy gets to her feet. 'Just sort it out,' and then she storms off into their bedroom.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

When Lee finds himself in trouble and has a need to think things over, there is only one place he goes. To the pub.

As he goes to take a sip of his pint, Tim glides in through the doors and takes his usual spot by his side.

'All right Lee? You're in early. Thought you'd still be handing out dead trees.'

'I've been axed.'

'Fired? Again? What did you do this time? Created a paper Mache tree out of the leaflets?'

'Not a tree, no.'

'I thought you hated that job anyway. Why are you so upset about losing it?'

'I'm not upset about that. It's Lucy. She wants me to find a more permanent career path.'

'Ah,' Tim says with a raise of his eyebrows as he goes to drink his pint.

Lee swivels on his stool with a frown marring his forehead. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'You're not exactly permanent material.' Lee simply glares at him. 'The only permanent job you've had is to be permanently between jobs.'

'All right smart arse, it's easy for you. You were born with a brain that easily finds new ways of sucking life out of everything. My brain needs to be stimulated on a regular basis.'

'And what stimulates you?'

'Your sister.'

'Too much information, thank you. Have you tried looking in the papers?'

'Yes, but they say they want experience. What experience do I have? All I've found that doesn't need experience is shovelling shit. I don't want to do that for the rest of my life.'

'You've dished it out for the most of it already, what's the harm in carrying it on?'

'Tim, I need a job that will impress Lucy, but something that doesn't leave me looking like a tit.'

'That's going to be hard to accomplish.'

'Thanks,' he replies sarcastically.

'I maybe able to pull a few strings and get you something simple in the company I'm working for.'

'Cheers mate.'

'Why do I get the feeling I'm going to regret doing this?'

**SCENE JUMP**

'Right,' says the suited man beside him. 'I want you to photocopy fifty of each of the sheets in that file, and then put them in that file. This is how you work the machine,' and the boring man goes into explaining the ins and outs of the photocopier, while Lee is seconds away from finding the nearest oven.

Tim made good on his promise and managed to pull a few strings with his boss and now Lee is stuck away in the corner of this bland office photocopying. And if it wasn't photocopying he was fetching teas and coffees for other staff members.

'You got that?' the gentleman asks.

'Yes. Under no circumstances must I press the red button.'

'No, you need to press it otherwise it won't copy.'

'It was a joke.' The man just stands there looking at him blankly. 'Right, better get on.'

However, only half an hour later, Lee had found a better use for the photocopying machine.

'What do you think you are doing?' the man from before abruptly asks.

There's Lee sitting on the photocopier with his trousers half way down his thighs.

'I wanted to know what my arse would look like in black and white.'

'Get out!'

Lee quickly jumps down and does up his trousers up then grabs his coat. 'I take you don't want a cup of tea? I'll put water in it this time.'

'Out!'

'Okay,' and Lee leaves before another word is said.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'I can't believe you did that!' Tim says as he walks over to Lee sat at the bar. 'I thought marrying Lucy would make you grow up.'

'Lucy does make me grow.'

'Do you have a serious bone in your body?'

'Yes, but I prefer the humerus.'

'Sometimes I wonder how we are friends,' Tim huffs as he sits down.

'Come on, where would you be without my devilish charm and witty comebacks?'

'Sane.'

'No you wouldn't. You still have Daisy for a girlfriend.'

'At least she is able to hold down a job. You need to do something Lee. Lucy's right, she can't be the only one with a stable income. You've got to think of the future.'

'I could always get a job at a horse yard. It's a stable income.'

'Lee.'

'Oh I don't know, I'm useless at this stuff. Where am I going to find a job that I'm good at?'

At that moment, Tim spots a "Staff Wanted" poster behind Lee's head.

'There is one job you can make an arse of yourself.'

**SCENE JUMP**

Lee's first night behind the bar and he was full of energy, ready with the witty banter, and itching to pull his first pint. He didn't have to wait long as his first customer just walked in and sits down on the stool.

'All right mate? What can I get you?' Lee asks.

'Pint of larger please. You new here?'

'First day.'

'Good luck. Hey, why don't you get one for yourself?' and the gentleman passes over a bit more money.

'Cheers.'

With that, Lee serves his first pint and then grabs one for himself.

**1 HOUR LATER**

'Drink, drink, drink, drink,' choruses through the pub as several men have gathered around the bar area to watch Lee down ten pints of beer in quick succession and as he thumps the last empty glass down on the counter, the crowd cheers.

'Get in,' he slurs. He goes to move when he trips over his own feet and comes crashing into the ground.

**JUMPS TO SCENE**

Later that same night, both Tim and Lee are propping up the bar. However, this time Lee is holding an ice pack to his head.

'Well that went well,' Tim states and takes a sip of his pint.

'It could have gone worse.'

'How?'

'I could have danced on the tables.'

'You did.'

'Who doesn't like a bit of entertainment?'

'You were trying to reenact the Full Monty while the couple were eating.'

'Did I happen to do anything else? Get off with the barmaid by any chance?'

'Not the barmaid, no.'

Lee's head snaps in Tim's direction. 'What? You saying I cheated on Lucy?'

'Well, not exactly.'

'Who'd I kiss Tim? Lucy can't find out!'

'Believe me, I don't want her finding out just as much as you don't.'

'Just tell me Tim. Who did I kiss?'

Tim gulps and wets his lips with the liquid of his beer and then replies. 'Me.'

'You? Get lost!'

'Trust me, that's what I tried to do.'

'Why would I want to kiss you?'

'For some reason you thought I was Lucy.'

'Well you got the boobs and blonde hair, but even wasted I'm sure I would have noticed the meat and two veg.' Lee lets his head drop into his hand. 'Lucy cannot find out about tonight.'

'Find out about what?' comes Daisy's voice as she sidles up to Tim.

'Where the hell did you come from?' Lee asks.

'My mother's womb.'

'What?' asks Lee.

'Come on Lee, you don't believe you were delivered to your parents by a stork do you? Though I thought that once and spent hours going around the lake trying to find the one that delivered me. Eventually my parents sat me down and told me about the birds and the bees.'

'And what did they say?'

'That birds are feathery animals that can fly and bees are black and yellow and collect nectar to make honey.'

'I'm glad they didn't explain, "A bit of how's your father".'

'He's suffering from a bit of arthritis, but apart from that he's fine.'

Both Tim and Lee stare helplessly at Daisy.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

As soon as Tim, Daisy and Lee step through the door, Lucy is right there ready to interrogate them, but on noticing Lee's battered appearance, she is afraid to continue.

'I was going to ask how the new job went, but by the state of you I can hazard a guess.'

'The first five pints were fine,' says Tim.

'How many people did you serve?' asks Lucy.

'One,' Tim answers for Lee as the injured man slowly makes his way over to the sofa.

'You served five pints to one man?'

'They always say you should keep the customer happy,' Lee adds.

'The customer was you!' Tim says.

'You were serving yourself? Bloody typical of you Lee. Don't tell me you got pissed on your first night.'

'I didn't.'

'Then how else did you get a bruised face? Walked into a door?'

'I fell over.'

'You were pissed, weren't you?'

'I'm not allowed to say.'

'Why?'

'You told me not to tell you.'

'Is it no wonder you can't hold down a job, you can't take anything seriously. Life's one big joke to you.'

'Lucy, don't be like that. I am trying.'

While in the background Tim deems it's time to make a retreat before they get caught in the crossfire.

'Right, we'll be off then,' states Tim but gets no reply. 'Come on Daisy,' he says while dragging her by the arm to the door.

'Oh, but I want to see this. I love a good shouting match.'

'We'll watch Eastenders when we get in,' and with that they are gone.

'My Dad was right, you'll never change,' Lucy says as she sits down on the sofa, eyes starting to tear up.

'Please Lucy, don't do that.' He goes to join her, wanting to put a comforting arm around her shoulders but afraid he'll be whacked.

'I'm going to put the washing on,' she says as she wipes the tears away with the back of her hand.

'Use the washing machine, the soap will sting your eyes.'

'This is what I'm talking about Lee.' Lucy jumps from her seat.

'I'm sorry Lucy, I try to stop myself, I really do.'

'Just don't Lee. Just don't.'

Lucy disappears into the bedroom, slamming the door as she goes.

Lee lets out a frustrated breath of air and drops his head back against the sofa.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Dressed in her pyjamas, Lucy sits at the edge of the bed, staring absently into the wall in front of her. Her attention is pulled away by the tentative knock at the door. Slowly it pushes open and Lee cautiously walks in with two cups of tea.

'Thought you might like one.' He silently hands it over to her and joins her on the edge of the bed. 'I made them for a bunch of people all day, the least I could do was make my wife one.'

'I'm sorry I shouted at you,' Lucy says.

'I'm sorry I'm such a useless lay about.'

'Oh I don't know. You have your uses,' she glances at him with a smile. He can't help but smile in return.

'I promise I'll be better in the future. In fact, I've decided to go back to my old job.'

'What one?' she raises her eyebrows.

'Ice-cream man. I know it's not much, but it's something until I find my feet.'

'Okay, but just promise me one thing.'

'Anything.'

'Don't ever have an ice-cream bath again.'

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	5. Ep Four - Jealousy

_**Hiya all! I'm so glad you are all enjoying my eps. It's really hard to put into words how much they mean to me, but I will say is that it makes me smile to read them and they encourage me to continue. This ep. has been so much fun to write. I love Lee most when he's jealous and I thought I'd do such an ep. After all, even though he's married the woman of his dreams, I think Lee will always be a little insecure. Plus there's the age gap. Anyway, I've decided to post this one slightly early as I can't wait to see what you think. All that's left to say is that I hope you enjoy. **_

_**P.S. I've got a few ideas for a couple more eps. but still feel free to send me any suggestions. **_

**Ep.4 – Jealousy **

The rain pelts down on the window with a fury and car horns blast into the air as their drivers become frustrated with the lack of movement in traffic. Kids are screaming as they jump in puddles and just outside the flat, two men are having an argument as one man complains about the other's wet and muddy dog creating a mess in the corridor. However, all this escapes one man who sleeps on soundly in his bed. That is until he is disturbed by the humming noise of a hoover going back and fourth outside his door.

With a groan, Lee slowly turns over onto his side to stare at the bedside clock.

'Bloody woman,' he mumbles before kicking back the duvet and slowly dragging himself out of the warm cocoon and pads his way into the living room to find Lucy, hair in disarray and still in her pyjamas, battling with the hoover across the floor.

'Lucy,' he calls, but gets no reply. He tries again to the same effect, but nothing. He shouts but it falls on deaf ears. Already pissed off at the rude awakening and now being ignored, he reaches his limits and storms over to the socket and pulls the plug. Lucy finally looks in his direction.

'What do you think you are doing?'

'It's called cleaning, Lee. It's something us women do more than once a year.'

'But why are you doing it now? It's seven thirty in the morning.'

'Thought I'd get a head start.'

'On what? The world hoover championships?'

'I've got a client coming around tonight. He's important and I want to make a good impression. He already has his own business and highly regarded in the agricultural commodity.'

'So he likes to spread sh…'

'Alright.' She holds up her hand to stop him.

'What does he do that's got you cleaning this early in the day?'

'He specialises in wine and has his own vineyard in France. He's coming over at eight tonight so please don't ruin this for me. He has a lot of connections and he could be the chance I need. It's a great opportunity for me to stretch myself in a new direction.'

His eyes wander up and down her body. 'Didn't we do that last night?'

'And none of your jokes or double entendre. I need him to like me.'

'Fine, but I don't see why you needed to invite him to dinner.'

'It could seal the deal. If he sees that I'm a good host he might allow me to hold his wine tasting evenings, which helps promotes his produce.'

'I don't see the point in wine tasting. It's just a load of idiots talking nonsense, before wasting the good quality produce by spitting it back out again. I can get that down at the pub.'

'Lee, promise you won't mess this up for me.'

'Fine, I promise.' Lee turns around and starts to head back into the bedroom.

'Where are you going?'

Lee pauses and says over his shoulder, 'I'm going to stick on a beret and find some snails.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'That was delicious, what was it again?' the young man asks.

Adam, the new client, was everything Lee despises in a man, especially one that keeps on eyeing up his wife. He is tall, athletic build; dark floppy hair with hypnotic eyes to match and to top it off, he is young. What is worse is the way Lucy laps up the compliments and hangs on every word he says. He is educated too with a posh lilt to his voice that could capture any woman's interest. It's safe to say that Lee hates the man.

'Chicken,' Lucy replies with a smile. Lee can only roll his eyes.

'Where did it come from?' Adam asks.

'That chicken never did make it across the road,' Lee says.

'More wine?' Lucy offers her guest while simultaneously sending annoyed glances towards her husband.

'Only a little, thank you. I need to be up early to catch a flight to France. I need to check on how the vineyards are going.'

'Oh yes, and how's the crops and soil and windy plants?' she dwindles off awkwardly.

'Very well. In fact, we've just finished working on a new wine, which is to go on sale in three weeks. It's a delicious red that fills your palette with an abundance of flavours.'

'So do wine gums,' Lee interjects.

'What's it called,' she asks.

'Anon Amour. I like to call it my double A concoction.'

'You have to be careful Adam. Some people may be offended,' says Lee.

'Why?'

'It could be considered a hypocritical advertisement for Alcoholics Anonymous.'

'Don't listen to my husband. He still thinks drinking a can of beer through a straw is the height of sophistication. Anyway, tell me more about this new wine of yours. Why that name?'

'Well, I wanted something that would capture a person's eye.'

'A coat hanger could do that,' Lee mumbles and gets a swift kick on his shin for his troubles.

Adam continues unawares. 'Something that could flow freely off one's tongue.'

'Should have called it spit,' Lee interjects earning a quick glare from Lucy.

'Those very words are the eponym of danger itself.'

'So is a punch to the face, but you don't see many wines called that.'

'You know, this wine has a lot in common with you, Lucy.'

'Really? In what way?'

'Please muck this up and say it's cheap looking and easily pissed,' Lee says under his breath.

'It's silky smooth with an elegance that leaves you wanting more. Its rich blackberry flavours lingers on your tongue and the body deserves to be savoured.'

Turning red at the comment, Lucy stutters through her reply. 'That's a bit forward of you Adam.' She glances quickly towards her husband before averting her eyes.

'I only call it how I see it.'

'Do you know what wine best suits you, Adam?' Lee interrupts. 'Sauvignon Blanc.'

'Why's that?'

'Because it's dry, crisp and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.'

'Right,' Lucy says as she abruptly stands. 'It looks like we've all finished. Do excuse us Adam while we take the plates into the kitchen. Please, make yourself comfortable on the sofa.'

'Not too comfortable,' Lee says only loud enough for Lucy to hear.

'Come on Lee, grab those plates.'

Sighing, he does as he's told and once they are in the kitchen and plates in the sink, Lucy slides the doors closed and turns on him.

'What do you think you are doing in there?'

'Oh come off it Lucy, that man's been ogling you all night.'

'No he hasn't.'

'He couldn't take his eyes off the breasts and it weren't the ones on his plate!'

'You're being paranoid.'

'Am I? How old is he anyway? Is he out of school yet? You sure he's qualified?'

'He's got an MBA in Wine Business Management, he spent two years travelling around the world sampling various wines and their vineyards, and has featured at least five times in _Esquire _in the last year. Now he's got his own business and is on the rise.'

'I bet it's not only his business that's been rising.' Lucy just pinpoints him with her stare.

'The only qualification you have is that certificate you nicked from your mate for the 100 metre breaststroke, you spent the last two years rummaging around the fridge sampling my food and drink, and the only time you've featured in a magazine is when you placed an advert in the Lonely Hearts column.'

'I have my own business too.'

'Oh yes, Mr. Whippy comes out five times a month. Six if it's a heat wave.'

'It would come out more if you…' his eyes flicker southwards.

'Enough,' and she turns around to place the dishes into the dishwasher.

'Well at least I've hit puberty. What's he? Twelve?'

'He's 25.'

'You're sure that's not his IQ?'

'He's not the one behaving like an immature, spoilt little boy who's had his toys taken away from him.'

'Well I know what he would rather play with.'

'Just shut up Lee.'

'I'm a man, I know what he's thinking.'

'That's not true.'

'It's been written across his face all evening.'

'I meant the man part.'

'Lucy, you cannot go into business with him.'

'Just because you're my husband, it doesn't mean you have the right to tell me what I can and can't do.'

'That's the student and teacher role play out of the question then.'

'Can't you support me for once?'

'Thought that was what bras were for.'

'Lee.'

'I do support you, I just don't trust him.'

'You trust me though, don't you?'

'Of course I do.'

'Then trust me when I say I think you're wrong.'

'How can you expect me to sit in there for the rest of the evening and watch him flirt with you when I'm sitting not five yards away?'

'Then don't.'

'What? You want me to cover my eyes? If he covers his mouth and you cover your ears, we could be a matching set.'

'I mean go to the pub or something. Anything as long as you're away from the flat.'

'Fine.'

'Fine.'

'Fine,' Lee huffs one last time before storming through the doors, passing a startled Adam and then out of the flat altogether.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Lee has once again retreated to the safe haven of the pub, now currently sitting at the bar and twirling his pint around in his hand, watching as the amber liquid swirls inside.

His peace is disturbed as Daisy enters his perimeter and dumps several boxes of condoms onto the table. Slowly, Lee turns to the distraction.

'What are you doing with those?' he asks.

'Tim asked me to pick up several on the way home.'

'That many?'

'Yeah, I thought it was a bit weird too, especially when he mentioned the flavours. I couldn't find a salt or pepper anywhere.'

'What?'

'He needs some seasoning.'

'I think he meant condiments Daisy, not condoms.'

'Oh.' She pulls herself up onto the stool beside him. 'We'll never get through all these, do you want some?'

'Thanks, but I'm trying to give them up.'

'Oh, I get it. You're taking a vow of celibacy.'

Lee simply stares at Daisy with raised eyebrows and then takes a sip of his drink.

'Where's Tim anyway?'

'He's at home stuffing the bird.'

'So would Adam be if he got his way.'

'Oh, I heard about this Adam guy. He's the new client Lucy's going after. What's he like?'

'John Terry.'

'He's dark haired, fit and when he smiles it lights up the room?'

'No. He's got one of those faces I want to slap.'

'I take it you don't like him.'

He swivels on his stool to face Daisy.

'He's all over Lucy like a dog in heat. Practically drooling in her lap. Lucy says he's going up in the world. I wish our place had stairs.'

'Why?'

'So I could knock him down a step or two.'

'Are you jealous?'

'Of course not! Should I be?'

'Well, he's a successful businessman in his prime. Young, probably single, educated. Lucy is the perfect candidate for him.'

'Am I just being paranoid?'

'Of course you're not Lee.'

'Really?'

'It's obvious that this guy is trying to steal Lucy.'

'I knew it!'

'The question you got to ask yourself is, are you willing to destroy Lucy's chance of success because of your green eyed monster?' Lee thoughtfully gazes into his pint. 'It's like the saying goes; you can't have your eggs in one basket and eat it.'

'Don't you mean cake?'

'Fine. You can't have your cake in one basket and eat it.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Tonight was lovely Lucy,' Adam says as they sit closely on the sofa, his arm resting along the back, hand inches from touching her shoulder.

'Thank you.'

'I think you'd be a great asset to my team.'

'Really?' Lucy beams.

'Definitely. You'll be the ripest grape amongst the bunch.' His fingers begin to caress her shoulder. 'I'm swelling with the idea.'

'You sure it's not an allergic reaction?' Adam leans in to kiss her, but before he has chance to get within a hairs breath of her lips, Lucy pulls back and jumps off the sofa. 'What do you think you're doing?'

'I thought it was obvious.'

'Adam, I'm a happily married woman! Well, I'm a married woman.'

'You can't tell me you are happy with him? We could be so good together and your so called husband is only holding you down.'

'I have asked if she wants to swap positions, but she insists I go on top,' Lee says as he stands in the doorway.

'Jesus! Lee!' Lucy exclaims.

'No, just Lee, though if you give me a false beard, long hair and stick me in a dress, I could be. Then again, if I did that I could also be my Mum.'

'What are you doing back early?'

'I was talking to Daisy when something she said reminded me that there was still a dick at my flat trying to chat up my wife.'

'Come on, man, it was only a bit of harmless flirtation,' Adam says as he holds up his hands. 'We were just talking about wine.'

'And doing a bit of tasting too by the looks of it.'

'I think I better go.' Adam skirts around Lee, picking his coat up from the peg and heads towards the door, but before he can disappear altogether, Lee halts him.

'Just before you go Adam, I have one question for you.'

'Yes?'

Lee casually walks over to him. 'Have you ever tasted Thunderbird wine?'

'Can't say I have.'

'It's a cheeky little number. At first you get this syrupy flavour that's sweet before turning sour, then it feels like your mouth has been washed in bleach and just when your taste buds thinks the torture is over, you get a good punch at the end. It's the punch you have to watch out for.'

'Why?'

'You never know when it will hit you,' and before anyone can react, Lee's fist comes out of nowhere and collides with Adam's cheek, knocking him clearly out the door, to which Lee slams behind him and then wipes his hands together as if he were getting rid of dust. Turning around, he comes face to face with a frowning, hand on her hip, Lucy. 'What? I did warn him.'

'What happened to the promise of not mucking this up for me?'

'Disappeared the moment he tried to get a good taste of your tonsils.'

'It wasn't like that.'

'What was he doing? Trying to resuscitate you? Check your airway for any blockages? I guess it was only a matter of time before you ended up choking on all that crap he was feeding you.'

'God Lee,' she throws her hands up in the air and turns to walk into the kitchen. 'You're impossibly hard to deal with.'

'Why thank you,' he replies trailing in her wake.

'Not that.' She reaches for a bottle of wine from the fridge and pours herself a glass before turning around to face him.

'Sampling his goods already?' Lee stares at the bottle.

'No.'

'You might as well be. He's been sampling yours.'

'Can't you get it into that thick northern skull of yours, nothing happened!'

'Bet you were thinking about it.'

'Oh don't be stupid. So he's a young and handsome man with a real go-getter attitude and heading towards big things…'

'A bus with any luck,' Lee mumbles.

'…And yes, maybe he'd have been exactly the type of man I would have gone for a year ago, but things have changed. Why would I want a man like him? I'm happy with you.'

'Is that meant to be a compliment?'

'Yes.'

'Well it sucked.'

'If you applied yourself to a job like you do to your sarcasm, you'd be a CEO by now. You have potential…well, you have something, and if you stuck at a job long enough I'm sure you'd be able to prove me wrong.'

'You stuck to Adam and proved me right. You sure you don't want to run after him? Sample his collection?'

'Right.' Lucy grabs hold of his hand and drags him out into the living area. 'Come with me.'

'What?'

'Come with me.'

Begrudgingly, Lee treads after Lucy as she drags him over to the stereo and turns it on. The soft mellow tune of the piano drifts through the air around them. She places one of his hands gently against her lower back and then takes up his other firmly in hers. As the music plays on she encourages Lee to move his feet and soon they are swaying in time with the song.

'What are we doing?'

'It's called dancing. Down south it's a form of exercise, not a drunken competition.'

'Why are we dancing? Last time I danced I ended up being punched twice in the face by your father and discovered your mother likes to go commando.'

'As you won't believe me about what I'm trying to tell you, maybe you'll listen to Mr. Nat King Cole.'

In the silence that follows, the soulful voice of the man himself falls upon their ears as they stare into each other's eyes.

'_Unforgettable, in every way, and forever more, that's how you'll stay._'

'Do you mean that?' Lee asks as his eyes soften as he glances down at her.

'Of course I do. I love you,' she smiles to which he returns.

'I love you too.' Lucy's smile widens and she goes to rest her head against his shoulder and he pulls her closer to his body.

'Lucy?'

'Mmmm,' she replies without moving from her position.

'I was thinking. You know how you said that if I stuck to something and worked hard enough, I'd be able to achieve anything I wanted?'

Lucy pulls her head back a bit to stare up at him. 'Yes?'

'Well, Mr. Whippy has risen to the challenge.'

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	6. Ep Five - Relatives

_**Next instalment now up. This is my shortest word count ep. but I hope it's still as good a my previous. It may be in need of another scene, but I think it works as it is. I didn't want to detract away from the atmosphere of this ep. too much by keep on adding more simply to extend. This one's been an interesting one to write. Let's see how Lee reacts when a relative of Lucy's plays him at his own innuendo game. **_

**_Just a quick mention. As I've been posting them a day early pretty much the majority of the time, I've decided I'll either be posting them late evening on Tuesdays my time, GMT, or sometime on Wednesdays. It depends on when I finish them._**

**_Also, still loving the feedback you guys are giving me and look forward to them each time I post a new chapter._**

**Ep.5 – Relatives**

After a long day at work and an almost burnt dinner, Lucy and Lee finally settle down in front of the television with a plan to do nothing but cuddle up and de-stress by watching a light-hearted drama. However, only half an hour into their relaxation, there is a knock at the door.

From her position against his chest, Lucy gazes up at Lee expectantly.

'What?' he says.

'Aren't you going to get that?'

'No.'

She pulls back a bit. 'Why not?'

'Because I'm not your doormat.'

'That's true. A doormat welcomes people. If you were a doormat, it'd have "Sod Off" written across it.'

'If I was a doormat, I'd be covered in footprints with the amount of intrusions we've had this week.'

'Just get the door Lee.'

'Why? It'll just be another one of your relatives again come to interrogate me.'

'They weren't that bad.'

'Weren't bad? I thought I was on Mastermind. And who was that hairy child your parents brought round yesterday?'

'That was their dog.'

'Sure it wasn't a cousin of yours?'

'Why?'

'You are part of the Adams family after all.'

There's another knock.

'Lee?' she raises her eyebrows at him.

'Fine,' he huffs and goes to walk over to the door.

'I wonder who it could be?'

'At the rate things have been going, I wouldn't be surprised if it's your Grandma Bess back from the grave.'

On opening the door, Lee comes face to face with a woman clad from head to toe in a black Victorian dress, a frizz of black hair framing her face and her eyes are coated in a circle of black paint.

'Good God, it's Alice Cooper in drag.' Lee can do nothing but stare at the woman in wonder.

'It's me, Daisy.'

'Why are you dressed like that?'

'I'm meant to be that character from The Woman in Black. Oh, what's her name? She's the ghost.'

'The Woman in Black?'

'That's it!'

'Why?'

'I wanted to see what it would feel like if my house was haunted.'

'And how is that working out for you?'

'I've discovered that my bathroom is.'

'How?'

'Every time I walk in, there's this Victorian woman in black staring back at me.'

'Does she appear anywhere else in your house?'

'She's in the bedroom too.'

'Do either of these rooms have mirrors?'

'They both do.'

'I think we can see where the ghost is coming from.'

'Oh God! Do you think she is trapped in mirrors?'

Lee shakes his head in resignation while Lucy comes over to join them.

'Why have you popped round, Daisy?' Lucy asks.

'Yeah, shouldn't you be haunting Daniel Radcliff?' Lee adds.

'You're parents asked me to tell you that your auntie Sally is visiting them for the weekend and that they will be over tomorrow.'

'Oh no,' Lucy says.

'What's wrong?' Lee asks.

'Auntie Sal is what you would call the black sheep of the family. If we can, we try and avoid inviting her to functions.'

'Why?'

'She's a sex therapist.'

'So? My auntie's a stripper but we still invited her over,' says Lee.

'Did she embarrass you?'

'Not really, but she left a terrible mess on the walls.'

'What did she do?'

'Mum asked her to redecorate our living room. She swore to my Dad that she knew how to use that wallpaper stripper.'

'I have an auntie that used to sell porn,' Daisy adds.

'Really?' Lucy and Lee question simultaneously.

'She was popular in her day. Clients came from all over the world to taste her goods. She's retired now.'

'Getting too old is she?' Lee says.

'No. She couldn't afford to run her business anymore. The fishing industry is not like it used to be.'

'Daisy,' Lucy interjects. 'Did you mean that your auntie used to sell prawns?'

'That's what I said.'

Both Lee and Lucy raise their eyebrows at the weird creature before them, trying to figure out if she actually has a working brain cell amongst the neurons inside her head.

'Come on,' Lee says as he turns to his wife. 'I'm sure she'll be fine. She can't be any worse than my Dad.'

'Trust me. You do not want to meet my aunt. When I introduced her to my first boyfriend, she sat him down and started talking about ways he could stimulate a woman's arousal.'

'They say advice is always welcomed.'

'I was nine! And the guy has been in psychotherapy ever since.'

'Well it looks like we don't have any choice. I'm sure I will be able to handle your aunt.'

'Maybe, but let's hope she doesn't start handling you.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Lee?' Lucy shouts into their bedroom. 'Lee? Are you ready yet? They'll be here in a minute.'

Lee comes strolling into the living area wearing a dark pink shirt, faded blue/grey jeans and a grey jacket. However, as Lucy looks him over she notices that his flies are not done up and the bottom of the shirt is sticking out through them. She points this out to him.

'I know. That's what I've been doing in there for the past ten minutes. The zip's stuck. It looks like Mr. Whippy has popped out to say hello.'

'Have you tried jiggling it?'

'I've tried jiggling, I've tried jumping, I've even tried rubbing butter on it, but the bloody thing still won't budge.'

'Let me have a go,' and without further thought, Lucy goes to kneel down in front of him.

'While you're down there, I don't suppose you could…?'

'No.'

'Worth a try.'

Lucy tugs on it a few times, but nothing happens. 'Christ Lee, what have you done to it? It's really stiff.' She attempts again. 'It's useless, it won't go up.'

'Make your mind up woman. A minute ago you said it was stiff. You can't have it both ways.'

Lucy halts in her fumbling to stare up at her husband. 'That's not what you were saying last night.'

'Watch what you are doing. There's valuable goods stashed inside.'

'What? A pork sausage and two baby sprouts.'

'Have you managed to move it or not?'

At that precise moment, Geoffrey, Wendy and Sally step through the door unbeknown to the two occupants in the flat.

'I think I've almost done it. Just needs a few more sharp tugs and then you're up.'

'Be quick Lucy, your parents will be here soon with…' but he doesn't get to continue as he lifts his head up at that precise moment and gazes straight into the eyes of their guests. 'Geoffrey! What a surprise.'

Lucy leaps up from the floor and turns to face her family, cheeks aflame with embarrassment.

'That's what I was going to say.'

'It's nice to see you all.'

'I wish I could say the same,' his father-in-law says as he eyes the half done up fly.

'Auntie Sal.' Lucy steps forward. 'Let me introduce you. This is my husband, Lee. Lee, this is Sally, my Mother's sister.'

'Nice to meet you. You wouldn't happen to have a cure for a busted zip by any chance?'

Instead of answering, Sally saunters over to Lee, stops a few inches away and reaches her hand southwards.

'A firm grip with a quick flick of the wrist.'

A few seconds later and Lee feels a sharp tug on his groin area as his zipper is pulled the rest of the way up.

With a grunt, he manages to squeak out, 'Thank you.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Laughter trickles around the room as they sit on the sofa reminiscing about the past while lining their stomachs with wine. Well, apart from Lee that is. He's sat there with a beer in hand and is trying to watch what he says.

'You get more like your father every time I see you Lucy,' says Sally.

'What?' Lee mutters. 'She's grown a penis?'

'She always used to go crying to Geoffrey when she didn't get what she wanted,' Wendy says. 'Right little Daddy's girl.'

'I thought that was Tim,' Lee says.

'And now she's all grown up and has the brains to go after the best opportunities that come her way.'

'Then she settled for Lee,' Geoffrey adds.

'So what is it that you do, Lee?' Sally turns her attention to her main object of this evening.

'Nothing.'

'You're unemployed?'

'I mean I do nothing amazing.'

'Oh I don't know,' says Lucy. 'The way you manage to actually pee inside the toilet is something spectacular.'

'I'm an ice-cream man,' Lee replies.

'Business must be quiet this time of year.'

'I discovered a new game to make the day fly by.'

'What's that?'

'Flake Jenga.' Lee smiles.

'Doesn't that get a bit messy?' Wendy adds.

'Well, a few parents got the wrong impression.'

'What else do you sell?' Sally continues.

'The usual: Twister, Strawberry Split, Magnum.'

'That takes me back.'

'It would do with their prices.'

'What sells the most?'

'The 69…I mean the 99.'

'Do you ever take a bite of your own goods?'

'No, but Lucy likes to have a nibble.'

'Anyway,' Lucy breaks in. 'More wine, Auntie Sal?'

'Yes please,' and she holds out her glass. 'I hear that Tim and you are close friends, Lee. You've ended up in a few tight spots I gather from the stories I've been told.'

'Nothing happened. It was an error of judgment. My foot slipped and he was kneeling in front of me…'

'She meant the trouble you two have gotten into over the years,' Geoffrey says.

'But we always pulled out at the last moment.'

'And was that how you two met?' Sally looks at the couple. 'Through Tim?'

'I've never been through Tim in my life,' Lee is hasty to comment. Everyone turns their eyes on him and he begins to feel the heat creep up his neck. 'Oh look. The wine's gone. I'll go and get another bottle,' and before anyone can say otherwise, Lee is up on his feet and scuttles away into the kitchen, closing the door behind him.

As he goes and opens the fridge he hears the doors opening then closing again. Without turning around he says, 'Your aunt is really testing me tonight, Lucy.'

'I haven't even started.' Lee spins on his heels to face Sally. 'What's the matter Lee? You look a bit tense?' She slowly walks over to him.

'Am I the past, present or future?'

'Maybe you should give me that bottle before you drop it. You don't want any spillage.'

'The way tonight is turning out, I can assure you there won't be any premature leakages.' Nevertheless, he cautiously passes her the bottle and she places it on the counter for the time being.

'You generally have problems in that area?'

'When it comes to Champagne, I sometimes get carried away and end up popping the cork too early. It goes off unexpectedly in my hands and Lucy ends up clearing it up.'

'Does she mind?'

'She groans a bit, but she gets the job done.'

Just then, Lucy enters with her empty glass. 'I've come to see what's taking you so long.'

'We were just talking,' Sally replies.

'Anything interesting?'

'Premature ejaculation,' Lee bursts out.

'Oh, is that what we were talking about?' Sally turns her head back around to gaze at Lee. 'I just wanted to know if you had trouble holding your bottle.'

'And does he?' Lucy questions.

With a quirk of the lips and the raising of one eyebrow, Sally replies with, 'No. It appears he can hold his own.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'So, tonight didn't go as bad as I predicted,' Lucy states as her and Lee settle down in the comfort of their bed.

'I don't think Geoffrey would agree.'

'Yes, it was a bit of a shock when Sally asked him what his sexual fantasy with Mum would be.'

'I think Wendy wasn't best pleased either. I bet she wasn't expecting him to act it out.'

'Dad did have a lot more wine than the rest of us. There's one thing that puzzles me though.'

'What's that?'

'Where did the handcuffs come from?'

'Maybe Sally's a part-time policewoman. She's pretty good when it comes to interrogation.'

'I'm quite surprised you managed to go the whole evening without cracking a joke.'

'There was this sex therapist in bed with her husband…'

'Don't spoil it.' Lucy shifts around under the covers to face him. 'How did you get on with my aunt?'

'There was times I thought she was going to question our sex life.'

'Was it hard?'

'That's one of the questions I thought she'd ask.'

'Can't you give it to me straight?'

'I'm glad she didn't ask that one.'

'Lee.'

'We got on. There is one thing I will say about her though.'

'What's that?'

'If she uses sexual innuendo when she talks to her patients, I can't see them getting anywhere.'

'Why's that?'

'Sally will always come out on top.'

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	7. Ep Six - Valentine's Day

_**Sorry for the delay guys. I had real trouble trying to finish one stupid section. It was doing my head in, but now it's done and I'm glad I took that extra time. Hope you guys enjoy it. Look forward to your reviews :)**_

**_In light of Valentine's Day around the corner, I thought I'd treat you. Can Lee be romantic? Will Lucy get what she wants? And what really does go on behind closed doors when it comes to Tim and Daisy?_**

**Ep. Six – Valentine's Day**

Lee is still lounging around in his pyjamas and half way through eating his cereal at the table when Lucy comes up behind him and shoves a small red box in front of his face.

'Here you go Lee.'

'Thanks, but you did know it's not my birthday?'

'If it were, I would have given you soap to go with the bath. Just open it.'

Sighing, Lee puts down the spoon and takes the gift from her grasp. Slowly he unwraps it and opens the lid. On peering inside, he pulls out a pair of silver cufflinks.

'They're lovely Lucy, but what's the occasion?'

'Don't tell me you don't know what today is?'

'Worship your husband day?'

'It's Valentine's Day.'

'Oh,' Lee replies and then goes back to eating his cereal.

'Is that it? "Oh".'

'Come on, Lucy. Valentine's Day is just a commercial exploitation ploy to make couples waste a load of money on pointless tokens of affection and for single people to end up in a depressed, diabetic, alcoholic coma. I could achieve all that with one night of losing bets on the Grand National.'

'It's a day you can express your feelings to the person you love.'

'And what's wrong with the other 364 days?'

'Go on then. Tell me. What's the most romantic thing you've given a girl for Valentine's Day?'

'A tyre.'

'That's not romantic.'

'It would be if you saw the price they charged me for it.'

'Lee. A tyre is not romantic. It's practical.'

'I was thinking practically about her safety. How would I have forgiven myself if something happened to her when she was driving?'

'How old were you both?'

'She was sixteen and I was seventeen.'

'She wasn't even legal to drive.'

'Not to drive, no.'

'Do you have a romantic bone in your body?'

'I was romantic last week.'

'Offering to help me do the washing while playing with your tackle does not constitute as a romantic gesture.'

'I was trying to be a gentleman.'

'As much as I appreciated it, I think I can wash myself when having a shower.'

'I can be romantic.'

'Prove it.'

'What?'

'Prove to me that you can be romantic.'

'How?'

'I don't know. Why don't you use that brain of yours.'

'I do. Nightly.'

'Not that one. How about trying something you haven't done before.'

Lee sighs and goes to stand. 'I'm going to get dressed.'

'That's new.'

'I get changed everyday, Lucy.'

'Not before mid-day you don't.'

Lee simply huffs at her comment and walks off into their bedroom, leaving Lucy to stand there with a smile on her face.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Come twelve, Lee finds himself once again at his local with a comforting pint in one hand, his other playing with the beer mat, when Tim walks in.

'What are you doing in here?' Tim asks. 'Or is your Valentine's gift allowing Lucy time by herself?'

'Don't you start.'

'What's wrong with you?'

'Lucy doesn't think I can be romantic.'

'So? That's true isn't it?'

'I can be romantic when I want to be.'

'What did you used to get your ex-girlfriend?'

'Flowers.'

'And what were they?'

'White Lilies.'

'A flower symbolic of death. Good choice.'

'And happened to be her favourite.' Tim glances at Lee with a lifting of the eyebrows. 'All right, so I had to cut through a graveyard on the way to her house. It was the thought that counts.'

'That's the problem Lee. When it comes to you, no thought is required.'

'They also symbolise purity, I have you know.'

'Your girlfriend wasn't pure.'

'Well she wasn't by the time I finished with her.'

'With charm like that, who needs poetry?'

'I can do poetry.'

'Go on then.'

Lee looks about him, struggling to come up with even one simple sentence. 'There is a young woman called Lucy, who is not particularly choosey. Her eyes are like two pools of blue, that melt me like glue…'

'A real Casanova. Move out of the way Shakespeare, Lee is coming through.'

'Okay smart arse, I'd like to see you try.'

'Erm…Roses are red, violets are blue, I just want to make love to you.'

At that precise moment, a barman walks past with empty glasses in his hands and gazes at Tim peculiarly before walking away.

'You see, it's not that easy. Valentine's Day is just a load of bollocks anyway.'

'Lee, it is one festival where you can express your feelings and commitment and your appreciation of who they are to the person you love.'

'I could do all that with a quick shag during the commercials.'

'You really do have the morals of a hormonal teenager.'

'I'm not the one who thought a cock ring was something a chicken was kept in.'

'I lead a sheltered life.'

'Yes, all the way up to your 26th birthday. Even that stripper didn't work. I'd admit it would have been better if the 30-year-old woman called Bella didn't turn out to be a 40-year-old man called Bob.'

'If I ever get married, remind me never to let you organise my stag night.'

'Come on then. How can I show Lucy I can be romantic?'

'You can try doing the washing for once.'

'I tried. She told me to get out the bathroom and put some clothes on.'

'You could give her flowers.'

'I do.'

'Yes, but this time get her a bunch from a florist. Not ones that have either been stolen from a graveyard, lamppost or taken from a hospital bedside where the patient had his eyes bandaged up.'

'He could still smell them.'

'Only because Lucy was in the bed next to him with a broken arm.'

'I don't know, flowers seem so boring. I want to do something special.'

'How about cooking her a candlelit dinner?'

'I wouldn't know where to start.'

'Follow a recipe. Just remember one thing about the oven.'

'What's that?'

'Use it.'

'I don't know. What if I burn the meal?'

'You could always take her out.'

'That seems a bit harsh. There's no need to kill her over a bit of burnt meat.'

'I meant take her out to a restaurant.'

'Then there's the hassle in choosing what to wear.'

'I guess it doesn't matter as long as it's clean.'

'What do you take me for Tim? I do have some standards you know. I can dress for the occasion.'

'Says the man who once wore the same outfit three times in a row to three separate dates.'

'Why change something that works?'

'The only time you washed it was when you dropped tomato ketchup down the front.'

'My theory is: if it doesn't smell, therefore it's clean.'

'I wondered what the smell was.'

'Anyway, it'll be too late to book a table now. Everywhere will be full. I'll just have to try and wing it and hope Lucy doesn't make me sleep on the sofa again.'

'You mean suck it and see?'

'That's how I ended up on the sofa.'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

Lee goes to put the key in the lock and pushes the door open to reveal a barely clad Lucy standing in front of him.

'Bloody hell! Have I just walked into Ann Summers?'

There, standing a few feet in front of him is Lucy, clad in a red and black lacy Cami Suspender accompanied by black fish net stockings and topped off with red kitten heels.

'Why are you dressed like that?' Lee asks.

'I'm going to do a bit of moonlighting. Why do you think?'

'I know you're on the look out for new clients, but isn't this taking it a step too far?'

'I'm not trying to re-enact a scene from Pretty Woman.'

'That's true. You're no Julia Roberts.'

'And you're no Richard Gere. For one, he's romantic.'

'You're not still going on about that are you?' Lee moans as he chucks his jacket onto the sofa and makes his way into the kitchen, pulls open the fridge and grabs a can of beer.

'I wouldn't have to if you showed a bit more appreciation towards me.'

Lee's eyes caress her up and down, taking in all that's before him. 'I'm showing my appreciation now.'

'I see no evidence.'

'Give it a chance, it's building up to it,' Lee adds as he gazes towards his crotch.

'Tim doesn't have a problem.'

'Yes he does. It's called Daisy.'

'He doesn't have a problem with being romantic.'

'We all know how in touch with his effeminate side Tim can be.'

'At least he has a soft side.'

'I have a soft side too, but I prefer to sit down on mine.' Lee smiles and pushes past her with beer in hand. He slouches on the sofa and switches on the television.

'God, you're impossible.' Lucy throws her arms in the air as she follows him in.

'Thank you.'

'That wasn't a compliment. I thought marriage would change you…change us, but it hasn't.'

'That's not true. This time we have sex.'

'If you carry on the way you are, sex will be off the menu. Is this what you're going to do for the rest of the day?'

'What can be more romantic than a quiet night in with your loved one?'

'There's no way I'm staying in watching people getting shot and cars being blown up.'

'I was talking about the beer.'

'That's it, I'm going out,' and with that, Lucy grabs her coat and storms out the front door, slamming it behind her. However, a few seconds later and she returns.

'That was quick,' Lee says as he looks up from the television.

'I'm going to change first,' Lucy replies as she walks off into her bedroom.

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Tim!' Lee yells as he bangs on the front door. 'Tim!'

Once Lucy had left, Lee immediately picked up the phone and rang Tim's mobile, but it went straight to voicemail. He then tried his landline, but that rang out. Giving up, he decided to go round to his friend's house instead.

After a few more attempts at banging the door down, it finally opens to reveal Tim dressed in a Tarzan loincloth outfit, holding a plastic spear and wearing a brown dreadlocks wig.

'I should have brought some bananas.'

'What are you doing here?'

'I came looking for Jane.' Tim crosses his arms. 'Why are you dressed like that? I thought you and Daisy were going out for the day.'

'We decided to stay in.'

'Is it a swingers' party?'

'What do you want Lee?'

'I was going to ask you for some advice, but I think I'll pass.'

'You could have used the phone.'

'I did but I couldn't get through. The signal must be terrible in the jungle.'

'Either ask what you want to or go away. I'm busy.'

'I guess those tree houses don't build themselves. I need your help to get a few things for tonight.'

'Why?'

'I'm planning on cooking Lucy dinner but I need you to hunt the woolly mammoth.'

'Go away, Lee.' Tim goes to shut the door in his face, but Lee sticks his foot in the way.

'Come on Tim, I really need your help. Lucy has put me in the dog house.'

'She should have tied you up.'

'She's saving that for later.'

'Tim, have you got the whipped cream yet?' Daisy calls, shortly followed by her appearance. 'Oh, hello Lee.'

'Daisy.' Lee's eyebrows crease inwards as he gazes up and down her choice of outfit. 'And you're meant to be…?'

'I told her to dress up as Jane,' Tim comments.

'I have!'

Daisy is once again dressed in a regency outfit topped off with a pale blue bonnet.

'I meant Jane as in Tarzan and Jane, not Jane Austen.'

'Am I dreaming or have I just walked onto the set of a bizarre porn movie?' adds Lee.

'It was Tim's idea. He wanted to broaden our horizons by acting out our fantasies.'

'Dare I ask what your favourite fantasy is, Daisy?'

'Ooo, that's a hard one.'

'I'm sure Tim will be happy to play that one out for you.'

'I do love Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.'

'Now I know what the whipped cream is for.'

'Right,' Tim interjects. 'I'll help, but we've got to be quick.'

'Is that what you say to Daisy?'

**MUSICAL INTERLUDE TO NEXT SCENE**

'Tim, I appreciate you agreeing to help me shop, but when you said be quick, I didn't expect you to walk out of your house in your Tarzan get up and a trench coat.' Lee glances towards his mate as they stand in an aisle of Tescos. 'You look like you're wearing nothing under that.'

'I wouldn't even be here if you had already planned something for Lucy.'

'I don't know what's worse. You looking like an oversized baby of Del Boy's or that I've got this unnerving feeling you're about to flash anyone who walks by.'

'Can we please just get on with it?' Tim snatches the list from Lee's grasp.

'Didn't your mother ever tell you not to grab?'

'Yes, unlike yours Lee, who taught you to run afterwards.'

'What's first on the list?'

'How am I meant to read this? A five-year-old could do better.'

'Next time I won't write it in crayon. Give it here.' Tim hands it back over. 'Right. Steak. Where is that?'

'In the vegetable aisle?'

'Just push the trolley and guide me in the right direction.'

'What is this? Supermarket Sweep?'

'If it were, I'd stay clear of the sausages.'

'What are you planning on cooking anyway?'

'Steak, sautéed potatoes and some green beans with a red wine sauce.'

'Get you, Jamie Oliver.'

'I know some kids who'd like to. Eating chips at my school never did me any harm.'

'Didn't you once end up in detention for throwing a potato at the cook?'

'I was making sure it was hard boiled.'

'I seriously do worry what goes on in that head of yours.'

'I'm not the one who looks like an extra from George of the Jungle.'

'Let's get on with this shall we?'

**SCENE JUMP**

'Blimey! I didn't realise there'd be so many,' states Lee as he eyes up the arrangement of steak types on offer. 'How am I going to choose?'

'Maybe filet?'

'I'm not filling the trolley with all that meat!'

'It's a tenderloin,' Tim sighs.

'It is when Lucy strokes it.'

'Is there nothing you can't turn into a joke?'

'It's like verbal diarrhoea. When it's on a flow there's no stopping it.'

'That's disgusting. What my sister sees in you, I do not know.'

'Must be my ready made wit and irresistible good looks.'

'How about sirloin?'

'You can call me that if you want, but I don't think Lucy will agree to it.'

'Just grab something.'

'Oooo cheeky.' Lee's eyes scale up and down Tim's person. 'There's a time and a place, Tim.'

'Yes. Tomorrow and away from you.'

Lee reaches in and pulls out a pack of two filet steaks and chucks them into the trolley. 'They'll do. Now where?'

'Onto the frozen goods.'

'Which yours will be if we're out for much longer.' They start to walk off into the next section. 'Oh, I need you to do me a favour.'

'I'm not buying you condoms.'

'There are some things I can do myself, thank you Tim.'

'Washing not being one of them.'

'I need you to invite Lucy over to yours later.'

'Why?'

'I need her out the flat so I can get things ready.'

'You mean so you can cook dinner?'

'No, so I can get out my gimp mask and leather straps. Of course dinner.'

'With you Lee, there's no knowing what you may get up to.'

'As long as they don't involve your fantasies I can say I am safe.'

'Fine, but you owe me for this.'

'Deal. Now let's get a meal Lucy will die for.'

'For your sake, it better not be food poisoning.'

**MUSICAL MONTAGE**

"_Let's get ready ready, let's get ready ready, let's get ready to rumble."_

Lee is at the counter chopping up the potatoes and scrapes them into a pot to boil. He also seasons the two steaks ready to put onto the grill.

"_I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."_

He stands in front of the bedroom mirror admiring his choice of crisp white linen shirt and his smartest navy denim jeans.

"_Burn baby burn…Burn baby burn."_

The pots are boiling over and Lee rushes around to turn them down while lifting the lids. He then notices that the steaks have somehow caught alight and threatening to become cremated. He yanks out the tray and shoves it in the sink.

"_Don't give up, please don't give up."_

The steak is burning away in the background why Lee finally succumbs to the efforts of cooking a meal for Lucy and is now sitting on the floor with his back against the counter. He downs the tumbler of whiskey in his hand and then goes to pick up the phone. With his other hand, he lifts up the takeaway menu for Deliverance.

'Hello. I'd like to order a set meal for two please.'

**SCENE JUMP**

As soon as Lucy walks through the door, her ears are caressed by the romantic melody of a saxophone. She takes a breath and gets a whiff of a raspberry scent and when she casts her eyes downwards, she sees a pathway of red petals scattered across the floor leading all the way up to Lee, who is standing there in his white shirt with the top few buttons undone and navy jeans. In one hand he is holding a bunch of stems.

'Is this for me?' Lucy asks as she places her bag on the floor and makes her way over to him.

'I'm actually waiting for Julia Roberts to walk through the door. She's entertaining the man upstairs first.'

'And his wife doesn't mind?'

'She's joining in.'

'What are they?' she asks eyeing up the stems in his hands.

'Flowers.'

'I suppose they were once upon a time. Is that where the petals came from?'

'The "she loves me, she loves me not" game got out of hand.'

'I see you managed to pull apart a dozen roses.'

'I didn't like how the game ended.'

'I see one petal has managed to cling on.'

'You can pick that one,' and he pushes it towards her. With a smile, Lucy reaches up a hand and plucks the remaining one.

'She loves you,' she whispers and lets the delicate object float towards her feet.

**SCENE JUMP**

'Lee, that was delicious. I never knew you could cook.' She places her knife and fork down on her plate and takes a sip of her wine.

'It was noting.'

'You must give me the recipe some time.'

'It's an old family secret.'

'I thought your family existed on bread, water and anything that came in a can. So come on, what's the secret.'

'If at first you don't succeed, give up and order a takeaway.'

'I should have known. The clues were there.'

'Like?'

'It tasted good for a start.'

'I could have easily whipped that up.'

'The only Italian dish you've whipped up is a pot noodle.'

'So? Have I proven myself?'

'Hmmm, you're no Gino D'Acampo, but you've proven you know how the shower works and that you can navigate my CD collection.'

'I can show you how I can navigate your wardrobe later.'

'Thank you, Lee.' She leans forward and places a quick kiss on his lips. 'You can be romantic if you put your mind to it. Happy Valentine's Day.' With smiles, they lean into each other for a more passionate kiss.

'You know,' Lee pulls away slightly. 'The saxophone isn't the only thing that can produce harmonious sounds when blown.'

**MUSICAL END CREDITS**


	8. Another Update!

**Just to let you guys all know, I haven't fallen off the face of this Earth, I am still around and intend to carry on, it is just taking me longer than I thought due to other commitments getting in the way. From a couple of recent reviews, I'm glad you are looking forward to me continuing and it should be up soon. Next instalment may be up some time later next week as I'll be going away for a few days. In the mean time, feel free to re-read the previews ones and leave another review :) they never fail to leave a smile on my face.**


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